Recently, my friend and Alexander Technique teacher, Jennifer Roig-Francol
í,
wrote a blog post about the effect of perfectionism on musical expression (1). I began writing a response, but quickly realized
that I had much more to say than could be contained in a comment! I decided to put into words what I have been discovering for myself these past few months.
Since beginning my one-on-one Grinberg work last month, I have become more aware of how much of my life is controlled (or should I say, hindered) by fear. A few weeks ago, I was fortunate to have a lesson with Ruth Elkana, one of
the co-founders of the Grinberg Method who specializes in working with musicians (2). After some discussion about my
goals, my progress with the method, and issues that I would like to work on in my singing, she asked me to sing for
her.
As I stood in front of her, I began to feel those familiar sensations of panic, anxiety, and fear that I get whenever somebody who is not specifically "my voice teacher" asks me to sing for them. My throat started tightening and I could barely breathe, let alone sing (or so I thought)! My mind raced with all sorts of thoughts: "What should I sing? Will she like it? What if I mess up the words? Will she understand me? What if I start in the wrong key and I can't sing all of the notes? What if my voice cracks? What if....?"
I could feel my body stiffening as I was caught in the grips of a "fight or flight" dilemma. My body wanted to flee, but my mind was telling it to stay. What to do, what to do?
I don't remember the order, perhaps they happened simultaneously: I began to sing and Ruth began to work on my body, drawing my attention to the tension in my torso, neck, legs, back. I could feel my voice and breathing getting stronger as I was drawn out of the nebulous land of "What if" and back into the real, physical world of my body.
My regular Grinberg teacher who was observing the lesson said that my body actually shrank as I was being worked on. Apparently I was doing a good impression of a scared cat by making myself seem bigger to protect myself from the perceived attack...of having somebody watch me singing. Until that moment, I hadn't realized just how petrified I was of performing.
Over the course of an hour, we found more areas of tightness, especially in my upper body. The wonderful thing about Grinberg is that the more that you try to resist the pain, the more it hurts. So as I continued to breathe and to move my body despite the pain, I felt as if my body was expanding as it was freeing itself from this built-up tension (fear).
At the end of the lesson, Ruth asked me to sing again while she worked on me and moved me around the room. Even though my legs felt wobbly and even though I felt as though I might cry at any moment, the words and notes continued to flow out of me - it was the most expressive that I have ever felt while singing. I felt that I was actually saying the words as I sang them, rather than just reciting them.
In answer to Jennifer's question, yes, perfectionism has greatly impaired my musical expression. More precisely, it has been a
fear of not being perfect
that has blocked me from being able to express myself.
In all those
previous times when I felt like I was "on the spot" and "couldn't sing,"
I had never tried to just continue singing despite my fears. These past few weeks, I have continued to practice singing with more awareness of fear in my body. I'm learning that I can still sing (and speak and move) even when I am in pain or in fear and that the effect is more expressive, more genuine singing.
Yesterday, I sang an audition for a place in a Yom haZikaron
(Israeli Memorial Day) presentation. My voice cracked, a few notes
wobbled, I made up some words, but the world continued to turn. And I
have been asked to sing in the final presentation.
Well, that's all from me for today. I hope that you enjoyed this post!
Happy Afikomen and egg hunting,
Daniella
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[Fantastic] People/Works Cited
1. Roig-Francolí, Jennifer. "Does Perfectionism Block the Emotions in Your
Music?" The Art of Freedom. February 23, 2105. Accessed March 30, 2015.
http://www.artoffreedom.me/does-perfectionism-block-the-emotions-in-your-music/
2. GrinbergMethodVideos. "Grinberg Method, To Be the Music with Ruth Elkana" (YouTube). September 19, 2013. Accessed
March 30, 2015.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNwtw-FUtDY
